Will I Ever Be "Normal" Again? Part1

Part One - Depression

For the last 3 years, my mental health has been a serious issue. I must admit for the first 2 years, I had no idea what was going on with me. I just hated life! I thought I was having a mid life crisis as everything that I loved,I lost interest in. It feels as though the world has been spinning in the opposite direction to me. Things just don't seem to go my way.

Let's start with Depression:

I had no idea that I was I dealing with depression. 

Mental Health can be hereditary. For myself, I feel this has been passed down from my father in which has been the biggest cause of my depressions. Not only the fact that is can be passed down but the trauma he had caused me from a young age and I have attempted to deal with this my whole life. This is something I am still working on!

 I would say 75% of my Mental Health is based around my father. 

Things were really changing for me. I mean, I new something was wrong about a year in. I was constantly sad but I had no clue what was going on and I was burning bridges left, right and centre, I lost interest in the things I love such as Music - I mean I went on facebook and removed all the music groups I was apart of.  It was constantly in my face and I simply didn't want a bar of it. I love music, I have had Resident Dj slots In London as well as Sydney. I mean It was a passion but I turned to hate it and I don't know why?, I lost my interest for drugs and alcohol but belted them out in the first year. This has truly been one of the hardest things to do! It's not the stopping of drugs but the friends you loose which really kicked me in the groin. I felt as though I didn't fit in anymore. I felt like the outcast at most parties and this led to me leaving early an curling up into a ball at home most of the time and it made it a lot harder when people took notice of me always leaving early. it became the new dish to give Tynan. " You always leave early, you don't know how to party anymore, what time will you be leaving (implying i always leave early) and so many more things said that became to much to handle until I  chose not to go out anymore. With what little energy I had to go out with. I just copt what felt like abuse and made me feel unwanted. So I chose to use my energy else where. 

I mean the life style was fantastic, new friends every week, random adventure's and when there is a lot to drink and take - I won't lie but there is SO MUCH SEX!!! Now, let's get into that! 

SEX! Don't Lie - WE ALL LOVE IT!!! 

How could anyone loose interest of Hanky Pany? 

Well, I DID!! 

The first year of my depression I was a hammering tong! I mean, I would consume many drugs to be happy and I would sleep many women BUT this changed. It wasn't fun. It didn't feel right after a while. 

Let me tell you why! Love is REAL people! lol Love is so real! I loved my X from the UK that sex didn't seems right when it was not with her! So I stopped. The saying "There is nothing better than sleeping with the one you love"! This was me. Just nothing topped her! I mean yer, there was great Hooky Dooky but it just never felt right! 

I'll tell you a little secret - I have slept with 1 girl over the 2 and bit years! 

WHO AM I?

From not being able to do the things I loved. I turned into a hermit crab. I had no energy or motivation what so ever. Lack of sleep and the only way to do so was with smoking pot. Weed was something that I never liked in over a decade of drug consumption but I would sit back in my room watching movies, tv series an playstation. It became the normal. The only way I would see friends was by having Bbq's and get together's at my house. I was fearful of the outside world but the intake and having people over all the time became to much. "When will I get some a lone time"? I thought! With what little energy I had needed to be used to entertain constantly. There wouldn't be a day that goes by where I didn't have someone over smoking all my dope and cigarettes and wanting me do they wanted but I really wanted to do was be a zombie with myself!

It was highly draining dealing with a extremely stressful job as well as having to deal with others peoples issues and at the end of the day. People feeding of my kindness day in and day out!

My moods started to swing in ways I could not control anymore. I was changing as a person and at first I DID NOT LIKE IT!

I became very Irritable and frustrated with being used from those I loved, lack of sleep, withdrawals from substance abuse and dealing with everyday obstacles. It became very hard to control my moods. Anger and Rage builds until Snap point!

During all this, my weight would fluctuate. I couldn't eat and other times all I wanted to a big greasy burgers. Many know me by the name of "Octo" because I use drink and hangover eat like a crazy man and my gut looked like the OCTO MUM in which my friends kindly called me on a bender one morning with my gut out necking a VB tinnie at 7am on summer day. 

The fact I didn't feel normal anymore more. Loosing friends, Not turning up to places and simply just not being the Tynan "I" loved. I started to feel worthless and guilty because of it. I felt restless but on edge and couldn't concentrate nor could I make any decision's that I could hold on to. 

From there. The Anxiety started! 

TO BE CONTINUED

Lot's Of Love

#TynanO 

#BlogChief

My Autistic Brother, My Life Saver

Through out my depression, at first I could only see negative. No brightness at the end of the road. A country road with no street lights or signs to direct me. 

"Tunnel vision of darkness"

My autistic brother is my shooting start down this long confusing dusty road. The star that guides me towards in the right direction to light. He gave, gives me hope. A meaning to live and shine bright.

Not long ago, I had a dream that my brother was going through a Panic Attack. If this is something you have experienced in your life. Then you know it is something you would not wish upon your worst enemy.

This is the first dream I have experienced in many years. 

So I felt it really meant something. I msg'd my brother first thing in the morning asking if he is ok. 

His response was "Nar, not really" 

(Talk about brothers instinct!)

Now, let's back track.

My brother grew up with Autism & ADD, my self just ADHD. We did not connect at all. We actually hated each other for many years growing up. Two completely different personalities that clashed an clashed a lot. We dealt with many issues in completely different ways. We didn't understand each other. We were children, so a lot comes from growth and life lessons that have come changed this relationship.

Now day's he is my ROCK! My knight in shining armour. 

When I sank into deep depression. He was the only person I could really trust. 

Things changed from hate to a silent understanding. The reason why I say silent is because I was never ready to talk about my depression. I didn't know enough to talk about it but he provided me with comfort and the way I needed. We would play game's in silence, watch movies in silence. I would simply get home and ask "can you you watch a movie with me"?, "are you keen to play play station"? We connected in silence but I now knew my brother has got my back. 

Through this new found yet always brother love connection. He became my hope. A reason to live. I need to be strong and support my brother just has he has done for me without even knowing.

There has always been a perception of my brother. One of which many may call lazy or unable to things due to his autism. My perfection of this is completely different. A genius!

The way he can take information in, is extraordinary and as I can not take information in well at all this is a treat I highly admire him for but not only that he can speak to me in a language I understand.

      
  

My perception of my brother was not that he had Autism, yet he suffered anxiety & depression. 

Of Course you would feel like you can't do anything if this what is constantly advised this but how does one succeed if not provided the tools to grow and experience life in his own way. 

Again this was my perception and I knew this. 

We now go back to after my dream as I met with my brother later that night. We went to a place were we felt very comfortable. A video game bar Spawn Point  with nothing but awesome nerds and great staff.

As I had my own perception of him. I also know that we wear masks in order to cover our depression.

I advised him, "I feel that you don't autism and are suffering from anxiety/depression much like myself but how do you feel inside?

"I have autism." He responds.I said "How do you know unless getting another a check up"?

I simply needed to understand so I had to ask more question.

He advised me that he has done his research are there is defiantly similarities.

I now understand because I asked the questions and he provided the answer's. 

Research is the key to many things.

This is how found out about my anxiety/depression disorder prior to seeing doctors and even they couldn't tell me until I pin pointed everything from my own research.

My brother has come to his own conclusion. Once again, I remind you that he can take information into his brain in a extraordinary way. How canI not believe someone who provides me a understanding of so many things.

 My relationship with autistic brother in which I say PROUDLY has become so strong that this is what gets me through my depression, my anxiety and panic attacks. I think of how my brother has been my rock and I need to be his.

Sometimes I feel it is he an I against the world and I need to be a team player. I can't just give up and leave him here to deal with world alone. 

'My Autistic Brother Brother Is My Life Saver' in more ways then written. He has saved my thought process of self-destruct countless times.

Lots Of Love 

#TynanO

#BlogChief

My Autistic Brother, My Life Saver