Today I had a Panic Attack & thought I would write what I was feeling during this episode.
I always try to keep a positive mind even when everything feels as though nothing goes my way, I have everything I could want yet stuck with a feeling of emptiness, people look up to me for my strength through mental issue's yet I feel so weak & broken.
I feel like I do so much to get past this but I'm on a treadmill that only speeds up with no stop bottom & the world is caving in around me.
My chest feels as though it is being crushed while my body shakes uncontrollably. I feel I need to rip my clothes off in order to gasp for air.
My head feels heavy. I can't hold it up and here comes the dizzy spell. My eye's start to the feel that I am ready to collapse.
How do I stop this? When will it ever end and why me?
Take a Seroquel! "You will calm down after that!!!" I said to myself!
30 years of age and I can't seem to remember when things were good.
Why have I always felt this way?
30 years of feeling out of control, distant to the world yet right in the middle of it as I sit back and watch it swirl by in front of me. I watch and wait for an opportunity to connect with those around me but what's the point anymore.
Seroquel is kicking in!
The amount of time I have had to take a leap of faith and try jump into the world of reality but I keep getting shut out at each attempt!
I am at break point. I can't handle this confusion anymore! I want to be none existent! I don't want to take my life but I can't handle being in this world when I can’t push through to reality!
Everything I do, I need to be hand held like a child.
I am a burden to those around me who continue to help me yet every time I fail. Even with being spoon fed I can't succeed.
Life would just be easier for everyone if I never existed.
Tears run down my face as my body loses complete control now and can't breathe. Negative thinking is twisting the life out of me. Leaving me with the feeling of nothing inside as I try to breathe myself out it before the storm picks up again.
Breath, Breath, Breath as the attack fades.
Breath, Beath, Breath as everything will ok!
There goes all my energy physically & mentally! My legs all wobbly from shaking for last hour. My brain in can't even be bothered to figure out how I can recover from the things that needed to be done today yet out of my hands.
It's over! The day is now finished for me and it's not even 2:30 pm but simply am not capable of completing anything in this state.
These are not suicidal thoughts nor the last time I will have them. These are the thoughts during Panic Attack and what happens to my body during one.
Today I am broken. Tomorrow I will recover!
