Today I am broken. Tomorrow I will recover!

Today I had a Panic Attack & thought I would write what I was feeling during this episode.

I always try to keep a positive mind even when everything feels as though nothing goes my way, I have everything I could want yet stuck with a feeling of emptiness, people look up to me for my strength through mental issue's yet I feel so weak & broken. 

                                          

I feel like I do so much to get past this but I'm on a treadmill that only speeds up with no stop bottom & the world is caving in around me.

My chest feels as though it is being crushed while my body shakes uncontrollably. I feel I need to rip my clothes off in order to gasp for air. 

My head feels heavy. I can't hold it up and here comes the dizzy spell. My eye's start to the feel that I am ready to collapse. 

How do I stop this? When will it ever end and why me? 

Take a Seroquel! "You will calm down after that!!!" I said to myself!

30 years of age and I can't seem to remember when things were good.

Why have I always felt this way? 

                                       

30 years of feeling out of control, distant to the world yet right in the middle of it as I sit back and watch it swirl by in front of me. I watch and wait for an opportunity to connect with those around me but what's the point anymore. 

Seroquel is kicking in!

The amount of time I have had to take a leap of faith and try jump into the world of reality but I keep getting shut out at each attempt! 

I am at break point. I can't handle this confusion anymore! I want to be none existent! I don't want to take my life but I can't handle being in this world when I can’t push through to reality!

Everything I do, I need to be hand held like a child. 

I am a burden to those around me who continue to help me yet every time I fail. Even with being spoon fed I can't succeed. 

Life would just be easier for everyone if I never existed. 

                                                   

Tears run down my face as my body loses complete control now and can't breathe. Negative thinking is twisting the life out of me. Leaving me with the feeling of nothing inside as I try to breathe myself out it before the storm picks up again. 

Breath, Breath, Breath as the attack fades. 

Breath, Beath, Breath as everything will ok!

There goes all my energy physically & mentally! My legs all wobbly from shaking for last hour. My brain in can't even be bothered to figure out how I can recover from the things that needed to be done today yet out of my hands. 

It's over! The day is now finished for me and it's not even 2:30 pm but simply am not capable of completing anything in this state. 

These are not suicidal thoughts nor the last time I will have them. These are the thoughts during Panic Attack and what happens to my body during one. 

Today I am broken. Tomorrow I will recover!

                                       

5 Lesson I learnt Through Depression

It took me many years to figure out something was wrong with me. I was too uncomfortable with myself and feared the outside world too much to even enjoy a night out. I worried something might happen that I couldn’t handle or that I could not be

the social butterfly that people knew me for. I consumed drugs and drank way too much in order to fit in. Really, all I wanted was to be home "alone" in darkness. So I spent a lot of time losing myself in T.V., PlayStation and eating bad food. Even when in my dark cave. I was scared but scared of what?, I didn't feel sane but it is where I felt most comfortable.

With constant fear and the heavy feeling of sadness, I knew I needed help. I was tired of feeling deeply alone!

I called BeyondBlue and asked for help. I was walked through how to find a psychologist who helped me to begin my journey up and out of depression.

I was lucky enough to get a fantastic psychologist. We connect quite fast. I started with a mass vent as I thought I knew what my issues were. I was stopped and we had to back travel. Family history and my own. It made sense to me. I was spitting out so much that she would have had no clue what would be going on with no knowledge of who I am.

I walked out of my first session smiling for myself for hours. I felt amazing and I couldn't wait for my second appointment.

I have learnt so much about myself, how to deal with my emotions in better ways, breathing techniques, that it's ok to ask questions if I don't understand and to be happy with myself rather than being self-conscious.

Here are five lessons I have learnt that may be able to help others!

1.  I Set Limits with Relationships, Even if it Angered Someone

I mean I didn't go out of my way to create drama with those I felt uncomfortable around. I just started to speak up about my mental health and expressing my emotions. I stopped pleasing others just to keep the peace and stopped letting people take advantage of my kindness.

I set limits for myself towards others. I started to say "NO" and to stand up for myself by being honest with others. It's not always pleasant but if I have attempted to provide an understanding (sometimes it can take a few attempts) then I am happy with myself. It's then up to the other to try and understand or at least accept no or the honesty.

We can not control how others react or predict other people's emotions but as long as I am truthful to myself, it creates it's own happiness within the soul and it's defiantly something I feel within.

2.  I Stepped Out of My Comfort Zone

I was so scared of finding out the real answer to my mental health. I didn't understand Mental Health and I only knew the stigma around it.

The best thing I have done was asking for help. Anxiety reached high levels but overcoming the fear of talking about it has given me a much better understanding of my mental issues and how to deal with them.

This has taught me that I need to step into the uncomfortable zones because if we are comfortable, we are not really progressing or moving forward.

This has helped in many situations and taught the difference between being anxious and having anxiety.

3. I Make Sure I Allocate Time to Myself.

In the begging of my depression, I would try and fill the emptiness inside with many outings in order to make me feel better. Drugs, booze, sex and so more.

Once I cut right down on these bad habits and spent some time to myself, I also got to think for myself.

It's what I call "Ty Time" and I use it to connect with myself again. From there I could really think about what "I" wanted from life and what really makes me happy. Not only that but to recharge my mind, the body and soul.

4. Create Goals and Stick To Them.

Throughout my life, I had a tendency to talk things up a bit. The million and one things I wanted to do, say to people what I will be doing but most of the time I didn't follow through on my choices or just I didn't action anything.

I now use my Ty Time to decide what is best for me, what I want from life and now spend some time every day working on my goals and pushing forward with them.

I slowly knock off my goals 1 by 1 and no matter how small the goal maybe. The feeling of achievement is great every time.

5. Give The Control Back To Myself

I control myself. No one should be able to take control of how I feel inside or what my emotion and values are. I have learnt to own them and how to deal with negative moods in a better way.

I stopped looking for people's approval by acting out and not being true to myself. I was not happy with the person I was. Reaching out for attention

Isn't me anymore and tell myself that I am on the right path and to keep on peddling.

I didn't get to choose many things that happened through childhood but as an adult, I need to take responsibility and choose the path I walk.

I made the choice that depression will not beat me and I am now ready to tackle it head on.

#TynanO

#Blogcheif

Will I Ever Be "Normal" Again? Part 2

ANXIETY

In my experiences, I have found that people who do not "suffer" anxiety simply don't get it. They may try or nod their head as though they understand but it's pretty clear they don't. It is much easier to talk to people with anxiety as they have a real understanding obviously. You can really tell when people understand because there is a high resistance to talk about it as the thought alone can bring on Anxiety! You can see the fear in peoples eyes when discussing it, just as I have to when talking about my own. 

Imagine you had a Mini Jesus on one shoulder and The Devil's Spawn on the other! I say the Devil's "Spawn" because he has not grown up yet, creating little plots that make you mind twist and Jesus, Jesus has lost his voice!

Depression and anxiety work hand in hand and it can be tricky to tell them apart at times.

The sleepless nights with my brain running a million miles per hour, the lack of motivation or physical uncomfort that it can provide.

Here is where it differs. The constant feeling of fear, the cold and sweaty hands when things start to become to much in which I then can't sit still. I need to fidget, whipping sweaty hands on my jeans - up an down, up an down, the lack of breath with my heart beating at a extraordinary rate. That is not the only effects it has over me. My muscles feel constantly tense to the point I need to have cold showers 2 -3 a day, sometimes more in a day just to loosen up my muscles and get 15 minute energy burst and also becoming extremely dizzy and nauseous!  

It's exhausting. I can't help but to break at times. It could just be a Anxiety Attack (thought overload which causes the body to become more alert so my muscles tense up) or worst yet, fall into a Panic Attack (Anxiety attack plus the inability to breath properly, heart beating enough to think that I am having a mild heart attack, feeling that I have failed everything and that's the way it is going to be! And that's were the thought of "What is the point living comes into play).

How do I get the Devils Spawn off my shoulder? 
He is constantly telling me things such as: 

"You’re not good enough, You’re a bad friend, You’re not good at your job, You’re a waste of time and so much more"!

Imagine constantly telling yourself over and over little things like this. For me, I feel worthless. 

It's infuriating because I know, I know that most of it is not true but Mini Jesus has lost his voice to confirm this for me.

 With watery eyes. I can honestly say I hate anxiety but I know it's something I need to learn how to control with medication, therapy and life styles changes.

With these there things, the devils spawn is becoming outdated and Mini Jesus is on the rise again. 

Will I Ever Be "Normal" Again? Part1

Part One - Depression

For the last 3 years, my mental health has been a serious issue. I must admit for the first 2 years, I had no idea what was going on with me. I just hated life! I thought I was having a mid life crisis as everything that I loved,I lost interest in. It feels as though the world has been spinning in the opposite direction to me. Things just don't seem to go my way.

Let's start with Depression:

I had no idea that I was I dealing with depression. 

Mental Health can be hereditary. For myself, I feel this has been passed down from my father in which has been the biggest cause of my depressions. Not only the fact that is can be passed down but the trauma he had caused me from a young age and I have attempted to deal with this my whole life. This is something I am still working on!

 I would say 75% of my Mental Health is based around my father. 

Things were really changing for me. I mean, I new something was wrong about a year in. I was constantly sad but I had no clue what was going on and I was burning bridges left, right and centre, I lost interest in the things I love such as Music - I mean I went on facebook and removed all the music groups I was apart of.  It was constantly in my face and I simply didn't want a bar of it. I love music, I have had Resident Dj slots In London as well as Sydney. I mean It was a passion but I turned to hate it and I don't know why?, I lost my interest for drugs and alcohol but belted them out in the first year. This has truly been one of the hardest things to do! It's not the stopping of drugs but the friends you loose which really kicked me in the groin. I felt as though I didn't fit in anymore. I felt like the outcast at most parties and this led to me leaving early an curling up into a ball at home most of the time and it made it a lot harder when people took notice of me always leaving early. it became the new dish to give Tynan. " You always leave early, you don't know how to party anymore, what time will you be leaving (implying i always leave early) and so many more things said that became to much to handle until I  chose not to go out anymore. With what little energy I had to go out with. I just copt what felt like abuse and made me feel unwanted. So I chose to use my energy else where. 

I mean the life style was fantastic, new friends every week, random adventure's and when there is a lot to drink and take - I won't lie but there is SO MUCH SEX!!! Now, let's get into that! 

SEX! Don't Lie - WE ALL LOVE IT!!! 

How could anyone loose interest of Hanky Pany? 

Well, I DID!! 

The first year of my depression I was a hammering tong! I mean, I would consume many drugs to be happy and I would sleep many women BUT this changed. It wasn't fun. It didn't feel right after a while. 

Let me tell you why! Love is REAL people! lol Love is so real! I loved my X from the UK that sex didn't seems right when it was not with her! So I stopped. The saying "There is nothing better than sleeping with the one you love"! This was me. Just nothing topped her! I mean yer, there was great Hooky Dooky but it just never felt right! 

I'll tell you a little secret - I have slept with 1 girl over the 2 and bit years! 

WHO AM I?

From not being able to do the things I loved. I turned into a hermit crab. I had no energy or motivation what so ever. Lack of sleep and the only way to do so was with smoking pot. Weed was something that I never liked in over a decade of drug consumption but I would sit back in my room watching movies, tv series an playstation. It became the normal. The only way I would see friends was by having Bbq's and get together's at my house. I was fearful of the outside world but the intake and having people over all the time became to much. "When will I get some a lone time"? I thought! With what little energy I had needed to be used to entertain constantly. There wouldn't be a day that goes by where I didn't have someone over smoking all my dope and cigarettes and wanting me do they wanted but I really wanted to do was be a zombie with myself!

It was highly draining dealing with a extremely stressful job as well as having to deal with others peoples issues and at the end of the day. People feeding of my kindness day in and day out!

My moods started to swing in ways I could not control anymore. I was changing as a person and at first I DID NOT LIKE IT!

I became very Irritable and frustrated with being used from those I loved, lack of sleep, withdrawals from substance abuse and dealing with everyday obstacles. It became very hard to control my moods. Anger and Rage builds until Snap point!

During all this, my weight would fluctuate. I couldn't eat and other times all I wanted to a big greasy burgers. Many know me by the name of "Octo" because I use drink and hangover eat like a crazy man and my gut looked like the OCTO MUM in which my friends kindly called me on a bender one morning with my gut out necking a VB tinnie at 7am on summer day. 

The fact I didn't feel normal anymore more. Loosing friends, Not turning up to places and simply just not being the Tynan "I" loved. I started to feel worthless and guilty because of it. I felt restless but on edge and couldn't concentrate nor could I make any decision's that I could hold on to. 

From there. The Anxiety started! 

TO BE CONTINUED

Lot's Of Love

#TynanO 

#BlogChief

My Autistic Brother, My Life Saver

Through out my depression, at first I could only see negative. No brightness at the end of the road. A country road with no street lights or signs to direct me. 

"Tunnel vision of darkness"

My autistic brother is my shooting start down this long confusing dusty road. The star that guides me towards in the right direction to light. He gave, gives me hope. A meaning to live and shine bright.

Not long ago, I had a dream that my brother was going through a Panic Attack. If this is something you have experienced in your life. Then you know it is something you would not wish upon your worst enemy.

This is the first dream I have experienced in many years. 

So I felt it really meant something. I msg'd my brother first thing in the morning asking if he is ok. 

His response was "Nar, not really" 

(Talk about brothers instinct!)

Now, let's back track.

My brother grew up with Autism & ADD, my self just ADHD. We did not connect at all. We actually hated each other for many years growing up. Two completely different personalities that clashed an clashed a lot. We dealt with many issues in completely different ways. We didn't understand each other. We were children, so a lot comes from growth and life lessons that have come changed this relationship.

Now day's he is my ROCK! My knight in shining armour. 

When I sank into deep depression. He was the only person I could really trust. 

Things changed from hate to a silent understanding. The reason why I say silent is because I was never ready to talk about my depression. I didn't know enough to talk about it but he provided me with comfort and the way I needed. We would play game's in silence, watch movies in silence. I would simply get home and ask "can you you watch a movie with me"?, "are you keen to play play station"? We connected in silence but I now knew my brother has got my back. 

Through this new found yet always brother love connection. He became my hope. A reason to live. I need to be strong and support my brother just has he has done for me without even knowing.

There has always been a perception of my brother. One of which many may call lazy or unable to things due to his autism. My perfection of this is completely different. A genius!

The way he can take information in, is extraordinary and as I can not take information in well at all this is a treat I highly admire him for but not only that he can speak to me in a language I understand.

      
  

My perception of my brother was not that he had Autism, yet he suffered anxiety & depression. 

Of Course you would feel like you can't do anything if this what is constantly advised this but how does one succeed if not provided the tools to grow and experience life in his own way. 

Again this was my perception and I knew this. 

We now go back to after my dream as I met with my brother later that night. We went to a place were we felt very comfortable. A video game bar Spawn Point  with nothing but awesome nerds and great staff.

As I had my own perception of him. I also know that we wear masks in order to cover our depression.

I advised him, "I feel that you don't autism and are suffering from anxiety/depression much like myself but how do you feel inside?

"I have autism." He responds.I said "How do you know unless getting another a check up"?

I simply needed to understand so I had to ask more question.

He advised me that he has done his research are there is defiantly similarities.

I now understand because I asked the questions and he provided the answer's. 

Research is the key to many things.

This is how found out about my anxiety/depression disorder prior to seeing doctors and even they couldn't tell me until I pin pointed everything from my own research.

My brother has come to his own conclusion. Once again, I remind you that he can take information into his brain in a extraordinary way. How canI not believe someone who provides me a understanding of so many things.

 My relationship with autistic brother in which I say PROUDLY has become so strong that this is what gets me through my depression, my anxiety and panic attacks. I think of how my brother has been my rock and I need to be his.

Sometimes I feel it is he an I against the world and I need to be a team player. I can't just give up and leave him here to deal with world alone. 

'My Autistic Brother Brother Is My Life Saver' in more ways then written. He has saved my thought process of self-destruct countless times.

Lots Of Love 

#TynanO

#BlogChief

My Autistic Brother, My Life Saver